What Would it Take to Be A Loser?

So here I am,

full stop.



I've been busy.

It's all there.

I've studied,

analyzed,

quantified,

mystified,

herded all my ducks 

into neat rows.

All for nothing.


I know what I think I want to believe,

but I don't believe it.

I know what I think I want to feel,

but I don't feel it.

I can explain it to you,

I can even preach about it,

but it's not me.



I can't own the answers.

It's a matter of 

living the questions.

That's not what I expected,

but that's how it is.

Pulled in so many directions . . .

What to do?
I've been here so often,
groping and hoping.

Be silent and sit still.
Speak, Lord -- I'm listening.
I really mean it this time.

Here and Now

Waiting to be struck
by lightning
is
tedious.

Why not
make use
of what is here
at hand?

Bidden or unbidden,
the Almighty
will tear open the sky
in His own good time.

BUT

I want to serve the Lord, BUT . . .
there are limits,
fences to be observed.

Poverty has an element of romance.
Chastity is easy now I'm sixty-plus.
Obedience --
depends on who gives the orders.

But no physical suffering,
please,
no unresolved illnesses,
no misunderstandings.
No public shame.
I hate being labelled
the bad guy.

Serving Me is fine,
as long as you
are on the throne?

Yes, Lord --
I hear you laughing.
I've hidden in
my lofty promises,
pretending there is no fine print.
Some day, perhaps,
we can laugh together.